Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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