I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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