Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
