you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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