K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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