So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
