he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
