If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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