just tell him i said nine months
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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