living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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