Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
