I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
