Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
