i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
