Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
wow bdsm is so cute
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