I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
