Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
