Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
