If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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