she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
