Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
