I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
