i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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