I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
