Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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