my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
