I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
