I wish my penis had an off switch
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The ass gains better be worth it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
