My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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