Jerry, you need to find god
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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