your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
