really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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