Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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