I am spending my child support on dildos
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
