Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
