i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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