sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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