Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
