Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
