Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
