Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
