i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
