she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
