I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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