Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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