He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
