in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
