i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
