Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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