Plan B is the new Plan A
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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