Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
