At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
