The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
