Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
