I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
