then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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