i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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