he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
