I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
