We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Naked. naked and bneed help.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
